Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  Me-TV  November 30, 2015 10:35pm-11:37pm CST

10:35 pm
their aim is our total destruction. we can't withdraw from this threat or negotiate with4it. we have but one choice: to defeat it. vo: right to rise usa is responsible for the content of this message. >> jon: stephen colbert! ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you,
10:36 pm
what energy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: rising up. welcome. thank you so much. why not? thank you. welcome to "the late show." thanks so much for being here. i'm stephen colbert. thanks for being here. i hope you have a good time here tonight. we enjoy doing this show for you every night. we have a good time on the show. more importantly, in ways you don't get to see, we enjoy making the show every day. and this part of the show that we're doing, the top of the show, we usually write in my office around noon every day. and i understand when your office sits above times square, like mine does, there's going to
10:37 pm
as a new yorker, i'm totally capable of drowning out horns honking, sirens, times square elmo fights, gun shots, wounded times square elmos begging for help-- the usual new york stuff. but today, i got to say, new york took it up a notch. an unholy wail started from the street that sounded like a goose making love to a smoke detector. ( laughter ) i don't know if you guys heard it today. it was so unbelievable-- this is true-- it was so unbelievable, i recorded it with my iphone. jim. ooh! oooooooo!
10:38 pm
aaaaarrrr. now, i have no idea where that sound came from. my first guess was land whales. i thought maybe, in desperation, they beached themselves on 53rd street and we were hearing them die. then, the sound stopped and we thought we can write this part of the show. and a few minutes later we heard this. ( high-pitched wail ) aaahhh.
10:39 pm
aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaaa. >> stephen: kind of makes it hard to concentrate. >> what does? >> stephen: that sound. >> i don't hear anything. ( laughter ) >> stephen: kind of makes it hard to concentrate on re- writing the show. ( mimics sound ) ( pitch of sound increases ) ( applause ) they really should put cages on these windows so i don't hurl myself out. what the ( bleep ) is that? ( laughter ) oh, god. now, i never found out what that sound was. i can only assume it was the end of the world, and this is being
10:40 pm
hellscape roamed by the damned. either that or god was playing the largest crystal wine glass ever. aaaahhhh. ( cheers and applause ) aaaahhhh. the point is, the forces of darkness tried to stop me from doing the show for you tonight. but we're winning, folks, because in spite of all that, we have a great show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) come on! first up, i'll be talking with comedian and actor aziz ansari... ( cheers and applause ) ...whose new show, "master of none," is about a 30-year-old indian-american actor. ooh, i hope it's mindy kaling! then, i'll be joined by creator, writer, producer, author shonda
10:41 pm
( cheers and applause ) and it is entirely, entirely possible she's got some new job titles since i started that sentence. ( laughter ) then, i'll sit down with bruce campbell and lucy lawless. they're starring in the new series, "ash versus evil dead," based on the cult zombie movies. they'll feel right at home because i'm going to pick their brains. that sound can only mean one thing-- it's time to say hi to jon batiste and stay human. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to kick out the jazz jams. but before they do, one more thing-- the national hot dog and sausage council announced that hot dogs aren't sandwiches, but they still cling to their desperate idea that hot dogs are food. ( band playing
10:42 pm
>> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes aziz ansari... shonda rhimes... bruce campbell and lucy lawless. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you! yeah! yeah! >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: whoo! >> jon: oh, yeah! oh, yeah!
10:43 pm
>> stephen: whoo! yeah! thanks. folks, thanks so much for being here. thanks for watching. thanks for watching the show. thanks for being here. thanks for watching out there. i know you have your choice-- >> stephen! stephen. >> stephen: i know you have your choice in television watching, because tonight... tonight is-- tonight is a huge night in politics. it's the fourth republican primary debate. now, i haven't seen it yet, because we tape this show early- - and also because "please don't make me--" but tonight one thing we know is tonight is make or break for jeb! who been struggling to show he can be a strong leader. but yesterday, in response to a question he got on the internet, governor bush took a bold stand. >> "if you could go back in time and kill baby hitler, would you do it?" hell, yeah, i would! >> stephen: hell, yeah, he would! that's politics 101-- shake the
10:44 pm
hitler! now, just to be clear, can we put up a picture of jeb bush's intended target? there you go. remember, it's hitler! can we hitler him up a little bit? there you go. look at those evil little cheeks! who's the greatest monster of the 20th century? you are! your uncle jeb's got something for you! stabbity, stab, stab. ( laughter ) somebody's gotta do it. and this is a dangerous mission because jeb, of all people, knows the high stakes of time travel. >> the problem with going back in history and doing that is, as we know from the series, what's the name of the michael fox movies? >> "back to the future"? >> "back to the future." it has-- it could have a dangerous effect on everything else. >> there's a lot to consider. >> but i'd do it. i mean, hitler!
10:45 pm
in "back to the future," starring well-known actor michael fox, time travel could have all kinds of unforeseen consequences. i mean, remember german reich marshal wolfgang meinhardt? no, of course, you don't because someone went back in time and killed him as a baby, preventing world war 1.5. and yet, world war ii happened anyway. ( applause ) that's why it's so crucial this question comes up at tonight's debate. when time travel technology arrives, you know the president will be the first one to use it. and you want a trustworthy leader at the helm of "time force one," someone who'll use on taking jesus on a pteradactyl ( laughter ) ( applause ) i know it looks like fun. i know it looks like f. but we've got to have
10:46 pm
now, ben carson has said if he could go back in time, he would prevent the holocaust by giving jews guns. of course, ben carson wouldn't kill hitler himself. as a doctor, he swore: first, do no harm. second, give everyone guns. ( laughter ) now, i'm not running for president, but here's what i would do with a time machine. >> audience: ooh! >> stephen: if i was, here's what i would do with a time machine. i, too, would travel back to the time of baby hitler, but this is where me and jeb's time streams start to diverge because i wouldn't kill young adolf. i would take him from his parents and raise him with love. hear me out, okay. i would give hitler a safe, supportive home. all the while, i would watch him like a hawk. i wouldn't let him join anything where you have to wear a uniform. no cub scouts, no little league, definitely no marching band.
10:47 pm
hitler that we don't solve our problems with violence. and then, if he starts getting mouthy as a teenager, i'll stick a knife in his ribs and snap off the handle. ( cheers and applause ) okay? and if that attack fails, and the horror of being stabbed by a person he thinks is his father turns him into a monstrous dictator, it's easily fixable. i'll just go back in time and kill baby me. you're welcome. we'll be right back, unless we already are. ( band playing ) there's got to be a way to redeem our hotel points. i just want to take a vacation. this seems crazy. tell us something we don't know, captain obvious. ok. with, when you collect 10 nights you get one free.
10:48 pm
(music) woman: i'll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but days like this, i'll never forget. get out there, in the 2016 ford escape. be unstoppable. this is my fight song
10:49 pm
(music) we're all familiar with this, axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird.
10:50 pm
it's time to rise and shine. at kum & go, we're doing more for you to start your day right. like serving up a friendly "good morning" along with breakfast sandwiches & breakfast pizza, yes pizza, & donuts & muffins & coffee that are all made fresh & hot in our store's kitchens every day. kum & go. where & means more.
10:51 pm
>> jon: it's all right! it's all right ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. let me ask you something? anybody here play "candy crush"? well, i'm not surprised so many of you do because it's not just big fun. it's big business. >> the company that makes "candy crush" has been sold for a staggering $5.9 billion. >> activision blizzard announced plans overnight to acquire king
10:52 pm
billion. activision best known for more traditional games like "guitar hero" and "call of duty." >> stephen: yes, "candy crush" got sold for $5.9 billion. that's even more than disney paid for "star wars," or approximately how much i would pay to see the next "star wars" movie right now. ( cheers and applause ) so why did they spend so much money? why all the cash? well, partly because last year, through in-app purchases, candy crush's 474 million monthly users spent $1.3 billion. at least some of that wasn't from when dylan's mom left her phone on the counter. but possibly, because activision blizzard just announced the creation of their own movie and television studio to make films based on their games such as "call of duty." to stay true to the original "call of duty," while you watch the movie, there'll be a 12-
10:53 pm
telling you how much you suck. clearly, if i'm reading this right, clearly, it's only a matter of time before activision makes a movie out of "candy crush," featuring, no doubt, an all-star cast led by liam neeson as mr. toffee. and even though it doesn't exist, i believe we have a clip. jim? >> my son. >> stephen: oh, father, you've been pierced with a candy cane! stay still. i'll get help. someone, call the donut doctor! >> no, no, son. it's too late for that. my game is over. as our people say, i am out of moves. >> stephen: don't say that,
10:54 pm
you just need to eat. here, i brought you some lemon drops! >> stephen: i'm such a fool! i put three of them together, and they disappeared! so sorry. >> it's all right, my son. not even a triple color bomb combo could save me now. where-- where were you? >> stephen: father, i was stuck at the ice cream caves. i was clearing all the jellies, just as you taught me, father! >> did you... did you slide the red ones down? >> stephen: i did. >> good boy. did you slide the blue ones, right? >> stephen: yes! i even got one of those sick combo chain reactions going. i crushed as many as i could, and the gummy fishes tried to help, but it wasn't enough. >> it's okay, son. you've given an old man his final sugar rush.
10:55 pm
now, leave me. you must defeat the bubblegum troll before he reaches butterscotch boulders. >> stephen: but i can't do that! >> you can! you must! you've got everything you need: skill, strategy, and my lollipop hammer. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, but, father, i can't. >> damn it, boy, take it! there's no place in this sweet world for your salty tears. >> stephen: but, father, i can't just leave you here like some worthless licorice swirl! >> hush, son. -- i-- had a good life. i spent my best years crushing candy. and, yes, as i crushed, i would
10:56 pm
waste of time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i could be reading a book, or anything." but i kept on going. i know i haven't been the best father. there were walls between us-- beautiful, shiny walls of jellybeans and lozenges. and no matter how many times i tried to break down those walls, there'd be a new level, and, well, there'd just be new walls. walls that kept me from you. now that i'm dying, i realize-- i realize, i-- are you paying attention? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what? what? i'm sorry. i'm sorry, what was that?
10:57 pm
this level is really hard. >> son, my timer has nearly run out, and there's something i should have told you long ago. i... love... >> stephen: let's see, here. 99 cents? yeah, i don't think so. father! no! you are gone, but i shall crush on in your memory. and from the minty meadow to the fudge fjord, your legacy shall forever be remembered because i will share your high score on facebook! ( cheers and applause ) liam neeson, everyone! we'll be right back with aziz ansari. father no! father!
10:58 pm
except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. and that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask your gastroenterologist about humira.
10:59 pm
alaska. finally. the search for brown bears begins. denali highway. low on gas. pit stop. fill up. double points. yep, that's cold. tired. day 2. coffee. eggs. double points. beautiful. majestic... nothing. where are you, bear? warm. warmer. warmer. yes. wherever the journey takes you, carry american express gold. it's more than a card. it's the gear that gets it done. fact you won't find the brand pharmacists recommend most for cold and flu relief at the shelf. advil cold & sinus is only behind the pharmacy counter. ask your pharmacist for fast, powerful advil cold & sinus.
11:00 pm
jeb bush: here's the truth you will not hear from our president: we are at war with radical islamic terrorism. it is the struggle that will determine the fate of the free world. the united states should not delay in leading a global coalition to take out isis with overwhelming force. their aim is our total destruction. we can't withdraw from this threat or negotiate with it. we have but one choice: to defeat it. vo: right to rise usa is responsible for the content of this message. have your next burger with a side of awesome. the one-of-a-kind, creamy blend of sweet and tangy. miracle whip and proud of it. at kraft we start with quality ingredients. all expertly blended to make our mayo. so you can take whatever you're making
11:01 pm
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a stand-up comedian, an actor, an author, with a new show on netflix called "master of none." please welcome aziz ansari. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being >> thank you so much for having me. i've never been here before. congratulations on the show. when dave hosted the hoe? >> i was there in that incarnation.
11:02 pm
>> stephen: that's really the only change so far is the chairs. nice to meet a fellow south carolinian. >> that's pretty cool. we're both from south carolina. stephen is the first late night host from south carolina, and the bajillionth white guy. progress. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you talked about the-- not enough, like, people of color, minorities, represented on television. is having you on my show, does that count at all? >> yeah. >> stephen: does it count? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm trying to do my part. i'm trying to do my part. >> it's really diverse right now. 50%. >> stephen: 50% of the people >> this is like an all-time high for cbs. ( cheers and applause ) you did that. i do my part. i do what i can.
11:03 pm
things. you starred on "parks and rec." ( cheers and applause ) you sold out madison square garden twice in one night. you've written the best-selling book "modern love." >> "modern romance." >> stephen: really? my card says "modern love." >> somebody's going to get fired. >> stephen: god, i hope it's a white guy. yeah, yeah. chances are. >> yeah. >> stephen: chances are, chances are. >> there are a lot of white guys back there. >> stephen: there are, yeah, yeah, yeah. you leave them alone in a box, and they multiply. ( laughter ) your new show is called "master of none." >> that's right, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what does "master of none" mean, first of all? >> it's so hard to come up with a title and "master of none" just sounded cool. it actually does kind of make sense in the themes of the show. it's about this guy who really
11:04 pm
developed adult. he's not like a man-child, but he's still learning a lot about life and whatnot. so he's kind of a master of none. i don't know. >> stephen: in other words, he's got all the physical attributes of being adult but he hasn't got his ( bleep ) together. >> yeah. that's-- that is actually-- that should be the log line of the show. ( laughter ) that's a great way to put it. that really is what it's about. >> stephen: can't say it on cbs, but you can say it on netflix where you are. it's released now, right? >> now streaming, as they say. >> stephen: should i, should i... how would you like me to view it? parse it out in little aziz bites throughout the week, or would you want me to consume it in one... do you want me to just binge it? >> i think you just watch it all. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. like don't leave your house until you watch all. like, don't do anything else. >> stephen: wow. yeah. i just won't do the show next week. >> oh, no!
11:05 pm
start in the morning. >> stephen: do you-- is there anything else you binge on netflix? do you have fellow netflixians, you go, "man, that's a good show." >> you know, i've been so busy working on that thing i haven't watched that much. >> stephen: and i'm supposed to watch all of your shows in one day. physician, heal thyself. speak of physicians and healing yourselves, your dad is a doctor, right? >> my dad is a doctor. >> stephen: and you cast your own parents to play your parents in the show. >> i did. >> stephen: why did you cast your parents? >> i wrote the characters based on my parents, and whenever we brought in the people to audition, none of them felt right, and getting a white guy and doing brown face seemed like it wouldn't be proper. >> stephen: you didn't ask me. i know you didn't ask me. we have a clip of you and your dad talking about basically making decisions in life and >> yeah. >> stephen: jim, let's take a look. >> i mean, whoever you're dating at this age could be who you end up with. it's a big decision. it's hard.
11:06 pm
when you were a kid, you said, "dad, can i play soccer? can i play tennis? can i play basketball?" me, i'm so decisive. i play golf, i chose your mom. we got married right away. no problem. >> yeah, but that's totally different. it was an arranged marriage. how many women did you meet before you decided on mom? >> two. >> two? that's it? what was wrong with the first lady? >> she was a little bit too tall. as soon as she stood up, i was like oh, no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: he's great. he's great. ( cheers and applause ) that must be nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: people say-- people say your dad-- your parents are like stealing scenes from you. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's let your dad steal the interview from you. dr. ansari, would you come out please? thank you so much.
11:07 pm
right over here. now, we've got to take a commercial break in just a second, but before we do, what did you think when your son asked you to play yourself in his tv show? >> well, it is a long dream to come true. >> stephen: your long dream come true, really? did you want to be an actor? >> when i was small i used to think of acting. my dad told me-- ( laughter ) "acting doesn't give money. be a doctor." so i followed the advice of my father. >> stephen: who makes more money now? ( laughter ) >> you know that? ( applause ) you know that better than me. >> stephen: i'll tell you what, we'll be right back with the real ansari, dr. ansari. stick around. ( band playing ) yea, it's nespresso.
11:08 pm
you're ready. get ready to experience a cup above. is that coffee?
11:09 pm
's called a rigged economy, and this is how it works. most new wealth flows
11:10 pm
it's a system held in place by corrupt politics where wall street banks and billionaires buy elections. my campaign is powered by over a million small contributions, people like you who want to fight back. the truth is you can't change a corrupt system by taking its money. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message. join us for real change. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with aziz ansari, and his father, the actor, dr. ansari. thank you both for being here. now you had an episode on immigrant parents. >> yeah. >> stephen: on the show. which you said is very universal because it's really about
11:11 pm
what did you mean by that? >> well i think even i only realized how ungrateful i was in the last few years as an adult because, you know, my father moved here to south carolina, not the most open-arms place for people that look like he does. >> stephen: though now, though now, you guys might be more south carolinian than i am because our governor, nikki haley, is also indian-american. >> that's true. >> stephen: what's the universality of ungratefulness. i know what you mean by ungrateful children. when i had-- how did you feel when aziz was born. did you feel ungrateful to your parents in any way when you saw your son? >> i always feel he will be a good one, and, like me, he will be grateful to me. that is the rule -- >> has he been? has he been grateful to you? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: grateful enough? >> uh... okay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you feel
11:12 pm
going to be an actor? did you want him to be a doctor? >> yeah. you know, i wanted him to be a doctor, but he called me one day and said, "daddy, i want to be a full time--" he said he wanted to be a comedian, stand-up comedian, i really didn't know what stand-up comedy means. >> stephen: did you think like a clown, big shoes. >> he says, "i'll stand up and tell jokes in front of the audience." "oh, is that a job? good." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, aziz, like your dad's here, i'm a married man with children. are you going to settle down? is it time? is it time for to you settle down and get married. >> uh, i mean, i don't think so. what-- >> we want him to settle down. it is time. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it is time for "master of none." watch it right now on netflix. stream all 10.
11:13 pm
ladies and gentlemen, aziz and dr. ansari. thank you. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much. ( band playing ) wireless networks are awesome. they're big, fast and dependable. and at net10 wireless, we let you tweet, text, talk and surf... on those amazing nationwide networks... without getting locked into a pricey phone contract.
11:14 pm
that's wireless your way. unlimited talk, text and data for just $40 a month. and now android smartphones start at just $19.99, or bring your own phone. net10 wireless. hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side representative. i tried depend last weekend. it really made the difference between a morning around the house and getting a little exercise. only depend underwear has new confidence core technology for fast absorption and the smooth, comfortable fit of fit-flex protection.
11:15 pm
for twenty years. something is wrong with our healthcare system and it needs to be fixed. then, it was about health reform and getting eight million kids covered. now, it's about stopping republicans from repealing obamacare, and taking on insurance companies to bring down drug prices. i'm not going to let any family be deprived of healthcare. i'm not going to let the republicans rip up obamacare and throw it away. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ( band playing )
11:16 pm
>> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the creator and executive producer of "grey's author of the new book "year of yes." please welcome shonda rhimes. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, this is a real pleasure to have you here. >> i'm excited to be here. >> stephen: everybody in the building is excited because you own thursday nights on abc. you've got "grey's anatomy." "how to get away with murder" at 10:00. >> yes, yes. over at abc, do they go, "what is that? is that a show about-- is that "coughing cops?" is it cops that cough with a code? >> stephen: are they really?
11:17 pm
these shows? because you have three of them a week to help pump out. do you actually like the process of creating the show? >> i do. i love it. it's really fun. think about it, i get to type "interior oval office" and they get to build me an oval office and i get to play in it before they shoot stuff. it's really fun. >> stephen: you get to say, "hmmm, liam neeson in a "candy crush" outfit. it's one of the best jobs you can have. >> it's amazing. >> stephen: you have a new book called "year of yes" "how to dance it out, stand in the sun, and be your own person." you did a year of saying yes to things that previously scared you. >> i did. >> stephen: things like what, a clown appearing at your door splattered in blood saying, "i can come in and sharpen my cleaver?" what are the things? >> i said yes to things like coming on a talk show. it would have caused me a huge panic attack and tears, and i
11:18 pm
i might have fainted on your floor. >> stephen: good tv. >> it would have been really good tv. >> stephen: if you want to, go right ahead. >> public speaking of any time. >> stephen: you went to dartmouth and gave the commencement speech. >> i did, i did. that was my first big "yes." my second big "yes" of doing things i was scared of. >> stephen: the theme of it which was, don't follow your dreams was the theme. your speech. >> absolutely. >> stephen: i, on a certain level believe with you. what did you mean about, "don't follow your dreams?" >> i meant people who are dreamers don't ever do the things they want to do. they spend their time dreaming instead of actually doing, and the people who do are the people who actually get somewhere. >> stephen: right, right. chuck close, the painter, he said, "inspiration is for amateurs. the rest of us show up and work." >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah, and if everybody followed their dreams, who they wanted to be when they were children, the world would
11:19 pm
and cowboys. >> absolutely. >> stephen: did you have a dream? what was your dream when you were younger? >> i wanted to be tony morrison. i wanted to be a novelist like tony morrison. >> stephen: why didn't you do it? >> tony morrison already has the job. >> stephen: was there anything in this "year of yes" that you said, yeah, no. my yes is a big no to that? one thing did you is you said yes to health. you lost 117 pounds. ( cheers and applause ) >> i did, i did. i did. that was one. >> stephen: yeah. that is-- that is saying no to a lot of things, lose 117 pounds. >> it was. it was saying no to a lot of things. wanting to hang around for a lot longer. >> stephen: you had a friend who said, "you never do anything fun." >> stephen: like you run three tv shows. what did she mean by, "you never do anything fun?" >> my older sister dolores said i never said yes to anything. she meant i go to work and come home. you think people who work in hollywood have fancy hollywood
11:20 pm
coming home. i was a workaholic. that was it. >> stephen: what was your idea of fun? >> laying on the sofa and >> stephen: sound pretty good, actually. >> it was pretty fun. >> stephen: you mentioned your older sister. you're the baby of a big family, right? >> youngest of six. >> stephen: i'm the youngest of 11. i know that feeling. isn't it great being the baby? >> i love it. they think i'm helpless. it's fantastic. >> stephen: you get away with a lot. >> you get away with a lot. take care of me whenever i'm around them. >> absolutely. >> stephen: i love acting helpless. "you sit down." >> family holidays are amazing because i just stand there and look confused and they do everything else. >> stephen: do they still treat you as a child? >> they think i'm an idiot. it's fantastic. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, thank god you're not, and thank god you said yes. thank you so much for being here. shonda rhimes. ( cheers and applause ) "year of yes" is available now. shonda rhimes, everybody.
11:21 pm
( band playing ) we're all familiar with this, axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird.
11:22 pm
from irobot help with your everyday messes. roomba navigates your entire home cleaning up pet hair
11:23 pm
which means your floors are always clean. you and roomba from irobot better together . ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guests play the lead roles in the starz tv series, "ash vs. evil dead." please welcome bruce campbell and lucy lawless. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. you dress so elegantly for people who are usually splattered in blood. >> this is how we get contrast
11:24 pm
>> stephen: well, we're thrilled you're here. bruce, obviously, you're an actor, director, writer, producer, author, best known for the "evil dead" films, "my notice" and now ronald reagan on "fargo." and lucy, everyone knows you from "xena warrior princess" "battlestar galactica" and "parks and rec." the new show is called "ash versus evil dead." bruce, you play ash, and i assume you're there to kick a little ash. >> yes, because he's an ash hole. yet again he has released a deadly plague which killed my family. i'm a little chagrined about that. he thinks i'm waah-waah, about my family being butchered. >> it's probably a good idea to
11:25 pm
out. your dumb father, mr. knowby in "evil dead 2" found this book. "i'm going to translate this book." and he interested out loud. your dumb-ass father released the demons. i'm going to put an end to it. your father began it. so you should get pissed at your dumb old man, not the guy who is trying to rectify the situation. >> stephen: i'll tell you what, we have a clip that deals with this exact thing. jim, let's settle this. >> number one, it's my book, has been for 30 years. number two, i'm on your damn property because i'm here to save a little something i call earth. >> you know what i've been doing these past 30 years? cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that everyone calls the earth. what have you accomplished in all these years? you put a chain saw on your stump. congratulations. >> you know, it's a lot harder
11:26 pm
name one other person that you know that has a functioning chain saw arm. >> this has to stop. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you got a point. you got a point. very few people-- >> it's a bit of a dicey relationship. >> stephen: it seems like it. it seems like it. now you guys ever get hurt doing these shows? because your stunt coordinator, i think i have this right said, "we're trying to make everything look like it hurts." does it hurt. >> magically by make sure it hurts. >> stephen: does it actually hurt? >> yes, army of darkness i cut my face over on a piece of armor. i flipped the stunt man down the stair quite successfully, i came up and my breast plate was covered in blood, and they took me to the emergency room dressed as ash, and i had eight cuts on my face... >> eight fake cuts. >> and the doctor looked at me and goes, "which one is it?" and i go, "can't you tell?" ( laughter ) so he stitched me up. >> stephen: your makeup people must have been so happy that he couldn't tell, though.
11:27 pm
>> didn't you drive yourself-- you did, didn't you? you drove yourself. >> yeah, it was a low-budget production. what were you going to do, you know. so i came back and it was just another dumb cut on my face and no one could tell. it didn't matter. in these movies, it doesn't matter if you're injured or actually hurt. >> stephen: now, have you-- have you guys -- you're splattered by a great deal of blood in the movies. how many gallons of blood do you guys go through in a season? >> oh, buckets of blood. >> i'm having is certified by price water house because there's a dispute. somebody thinks it's about 450 gallons. i think they were about 50 gallons off because there was one scene where i know i ate about 50 gallons. we have to work that out. new blood delivery systems. 1979 it was a guy with a green garden hose, ready! okay! and they would blow that crap right in your face after eating a ham sandwich. so it worked great. now, we have a-- we have a pressurized beer keg.
11:28 pm
( laughter ). >> when that thing rolls out, the crew members, they tape off the entire set in plastic because it's pressurized, and it's gonna pump out about 50 gallons out of that thing. and oh, boy. their aim is getting better-- we have a viscera cannon. >> stephen: a viscera cannon? >> yeah, it's an air mortar, and they take out the stuff that's lethal. ( laughter ). >> stephen: one would hope. one would hope. >> i don't know what that means. but they can put brains or any kind of viscera, and they can hit you from 20 feet away dead on. ( laughter ). >> and all night long you're doing this. >> stephen: to get brains out of your nose. >> to get the brains out of your nose. >> stephen: wow. >> have you got your glasses there, bruce, put them on? >> why would i put them on lucy? >> because amazingly you look just like stephen colbert in your glasses. >> if i can sit in your chair --
11:29 pm
( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheers ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> wait a second. wait. wait! i've got a line of dialogue i've got to say. ( laughter ) laugh nation, and that's it. it's a one-line imitation. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, bruce campbell, lucy lawless, "ash versus evil dead" running now on starz.
11:30 pm
( cheers and applause )ou're doing everything right but find it harder and harder to get by, you're not alone. while our people work longer hours for lower wages, almost all new income goes to the top 1%. my plan -- make wall street banks and the ultrarich pay their fair share of taxes, provide living wages for working people, ensure equal pay for women. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message because together, we can make a political revolution and create an economy and democracy that works for all
11:31 pm
good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: ooh! aaa. shake it up baby now.
11:32 pm
11:33 pm
11:34 pm
11:36 pm


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on